i’ve been insanely redefined ever since february. no, will didn’t come visit me over december. i did find some cool friends in vail, though. hopefully we’ll smoke next winter and my new years won’t suck ass like it always does.

i think i need a quick reintroduction. hello!! i am anna spuskanyuk 2.0? i haven’t changed too much but everything in my life is spinning in an orbit around my thoughts. its like im wearing a halo of constant confusion, which is strangely chaotic. there has been so much that has happened and my wrists are not strong enough to pour it all out, but i will try.

bring to stage tristan duthler. shine a warm spotlight on him. bring to stage sophia, marley, sarah and amber. seat them on sofas in the background under gold light. shine a dark amber hue on kaashvi. beam a mellow indigo on tariq. place all friends from camp in the corner under a visible shadow. put avery gleason on a box, and shine gold light. my family is center stage, yet in the back, dimly lit and barely seen. this stage is my existence. it is a beautiful comedic tragedy.

tristan. holy shit!!!!!!!!!!!! i cannot believe i somehow bagged myself one of the most popular and well known boys not only at ACS, but also all of MESAC. how the actual fuck is that even possible. when he first started talking to me i swear to god i thought it was on accident. who fucking knew a relationship would spawn out of the pizza game on snapchat. i love this guy and he loves me. he is literally the light in my life right now. currently he’s in kentucky and i’m withering away in AD, but i’ll see him again. knock on wood. he’s kind and respectful and sometimes funny (but i think im the comedic talent and hes the eye-candy) and athletic (loves volleyball, oh my god) and loves music and is a picky eater and disney movies and playing fifa and has all sorts of layers. i miss him so much and i’m currently wearing his hoodie so that’s not really helping. i think he loves me more than i love him though.

notable phrases –> “i’ll never stop loving you”, “summer will only make my love grow stronger”, “you are perfect”, “i love everything about you”, “how do you make me feel this way”, “is this what love feels like? {floating}”, him describing how he didn’t have clear vision before and now he has glasses, LOOK. HOW. CUTE.

i’m tired. but that is only because it is summer and i haven’t left the sandbox. i hope to rediscover how anna is more over the summer and i hope i see some sights and smoke and live. ciao!

sometimes i lay in the dark and try to imagine the scene. i’m laying in his room, tipsy off of fireball. the cinnamon burned my throat and fuzzed up my head but it felt like i was on a boat in greece- floating from side to side, swept up in a feeling. i turn off the light and everything is dimly visible, even him. there’s something burning in my chest, my heart is beating fast and i cannot explain what is happening, except that i want him.* i love him. or is it just the idea of him. that’s a different story.

theres something building in the room. it’s almost tangible, a cloud, a blanket pressing on us, something so real i can feel it around us its so strange its so surreal what is my life and he kisses me. finally. its two hours and thirty minutes of me pouring out my feelings and him stroking my hair and me

• telling him i am scared im worse than his previous…
• mentioning im very self-unconfortable
• even saying i didn’t believe he loved me before cuz of trust issues
• how if he finds someone in america, it’s okay

i am selfish. i love the way his reassurance flows around my brain and into my heart, and how much it helps me understand certain truths. yet i am scared these endless compliments cannot replace true feelings. yes, he’s good and kind and caring, but he lacks empathy and understanding. i hurt and he doesn’t know- im too scared to tell him because everyone else i’ve told doesn’t understand. nobody, really.

it was special moments, wrapped up in one perfect bow. it was a real goodbye because we didn’t know if i was moving or not- and it was love and gratefullness and gratitude and warmth and as close as i’ve ever been to passion (which isn’t saying much). it didn’t end the way i wanted, but i talked to his sister and brother and i felt really truly part of it all. his girlfriend.

there’s some moments in my life that i want to remember. this was one of them. warm, loving, woozy, floating, tired. i lay in the waters of greece on his bed, and the waves rocked me towards him- a cloudless sky and a dim night.

i want a real true amazing friendship. one with love and giving and laughs and everything that the friends cast had wrapped up in me and someone else. or even a whole six people.

it’s funny because i’ve been to so many damn places and seen so many friggin things, but it’s a curse and i hate to say that. i know people who want to travel but can’t. and here i am acting like a little bitch about it. i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry!!

but i can’t! i want to stay in a place where friendship was real, where i had fun, where i felt loved appreciated, accepted.

the most random place in the world- frederick, maryland. engineering innovation by johns hopkins 2018. a month with top students, learning and immersing yourself with the college experience.

for me, this camp was a damn blessing. an escape from abu dhabi (which left me broken, more on this later), a place of beautiful weather, a typical yet unordinary american town, and i love me a good american town! it was perfect, though i failed, almost got kicked out, wasted possible college credit and disappointed my parents (specifically my dad, who wants me to be an engineer). but this camp changed me so fucking much. excuse my french.

it’s funny looking back. it seems like a weird dream, the whole month fading in and out in my memories, confused conversation and muddled music, but an overall theme of- “oh shit, i’m happy! this is new!”

it’s just, abu dhabi sucked all the life out of me. it took some good friends and some good times for me to know how to be confident, be myself, be unique and beautiful and interesting and anna. so, the lesson is people can change you, regardless of whatever you believe. i’m an introvert and with others, i began to flourish into an extrovert, slowly but surely (i was an extrovert before people judging u was a thing!). let people you love and who love you into your life. go out and find people. it’s really not crazy! this is mostly a letter to my future self, aha!

ciao. anna

hey anna,

so i’ve realized that this blog is legit just a journal, but i can add photos and italics and shit! i’m still going to write in my home journal but this is so cool!

so today we have a tennis tourney and i’m losing, duh, and i’m not gonna lie, i highkey want to go home and watch youtube.

in other words, i’m not having a good time. but i’m listening to good music and here are my favorites of the past couple of months!

• these days, wallows
• sun tan, wallows
• honey, BROCKHAMPTON
• face, BROCKHAMPTON
• san marcos, BROCKHAMPTON
• machu picchu, the strokes
• you only live once, the strokes
• read my mind, the killers
• mr. bright side, the killers
• take me out, franks ferdinand
• 3:15, bazzi
• r.e.m, ariana grande
• the night we met, lord huron
• ivy, frank ocean
• nights, frank ocean
• big sis, SALES
• sorry bro, SALES
• best friend, rex orange county
• sunflower, rex orange county
• fucking young / perfect, tyler the creator
• 9-11, tyler the creator
• see you again, tyler the creator
• boredom, tyler the creator
• 2-seater, tyler the creator
• losing you, boy pablo
• everytime, boy pablo
• last christmas, wham!
• crush culture, conan gray
• generation why, conan gray

so that’s pretty much it. i’m gonna talk to my friends. bye.

hi! i hope you read my “who am i?” section. it pretty much explains me in a nutshell. 

this blog is going to be an accumulation of the words that spill around my head at any given time. it will be a collection of my deepest darkest secrets and my greatest hopes. a collage of everywhere i have been and anywhere i want to fly. my dreams. 

sometimes i’m sitting in class and wondering why the hell it is so hard for me to harness my creativity. it’s somewhere within me, a little flame in the middle of my brain. trapped? maybe this blog will break it out. i can feel the chains loosening already. 

so. this is the prequel. get ready for pages of words. beauty in my eyes. im excited!