sometimes i lay in the dark and try to imagine the scene. i’m laying in his room, tipsy off of fireball. the cinnamon burned my throat and fuzzed up my head but it felt like i was on a boat in greece- floating from side to side, swept up in a feeling. i turn off the light and everything is dimly visible, even him. there’s something burning in my chest, my heart is beating fast and i cannot explain what is happening, except that i want him.* i love him. or is it just the idea of him. that’s a different story.

theres something building in the room. it’s almost tangible, a cloud, a blanket pressing on us, something so real i can feel it around us its so strange its so surreal what is my life and he kisses me. finally. its two hours and thirty minutes of me pouring out my feelings and him stroking my hair and me

• telling him i am scared im worse than his previous…
• mentioning im very self-unconfortable
• even saying i didn’t believe he loved me before cuz of trust issues
• how if he finds someone in america, it’s okay

i am selfish. i love the way his reassurance flows around my brain and into my heart, and how much it helps me understand certain truths. yet i am scared these endless compliments cannot replace true feelings. yes, he’s good and kind and caring, but he lacks empathy and understanding. i hurt and he doesn’t know- im too scared to tell him because everyone else i’ve told doesn’t understand. nobody, really.

it was special moments, wrapped up in one perfect bow. it was a real goodbye because we didn’t know if i was moving or not- and it was love and gratefullness and gratitude and warmth and as close as i’ve ever been to passion (which isn’t saying much). it didn’t end the way i wanted, but i talked to his sister and brother and i felt really truly part of it all. his girlfriend.

there’s some moments in my life that i want to remember. this was one of them. warm, loving, woozy, floating, tired. i lay in the waters of greece on his bed, and the waves rocked me towards him- a cloudless sky and a dim night.